I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
