all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Randomize
