OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the condom got lost in my hair
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
