I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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