I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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