Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
