Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
