shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
