Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
