just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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