Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
