This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
