She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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