she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
