I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
