I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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