It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
