Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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