I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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