I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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