I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
