After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
