he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
