thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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