I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
