I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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