my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
