Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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