Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
