We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
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I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
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When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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