I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
