When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
