I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
