took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
