Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
