I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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