her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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