Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
