you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
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So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
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I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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