This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Sacagawea was the original milf.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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