In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
