Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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