So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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