mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Liz is crying about burritos again.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
