I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Randomize
