her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
