I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
