I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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