Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
