apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
