I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
