I like my sex mixed with concussions.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
