Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
