someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
