I wish I could punch you in the face.
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
